Random Jokes

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something." The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead". The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else." So, the vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a labrador retreiver. The dog jumps up on the table and sniffs the other dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. The vet says, "I'm very sorry lady, your dog is dead. "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else...PLEASE" the lady cries.So the vet goes into another room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead." The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340." The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all you didn't do anything for the dog." "Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the LAB TEST and CAT SCAN!
　

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. ''I would do anything to pass this exam.'' She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. ''I mean...'' she whispers, ''... I would do... anything.''

He returns her gaze. ''Anything?''

''Anything.''

His voice turns to a whisper. ''Would you... study?''
　

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is A Wizard

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke

9. You say, "Do you think that lawn is gonna mow itself?" But then it does

8. Your child gets busted shoplifting a newt

7. Can turn lead into gold, but he can't remember to take out the trash .

6. He wears shiny red satin robes -- and you're just praying he's a wizard

5. Favorite discount electronics chain: The Wiz

4. Refers to Halloween as "amateur night"

3. He's only 12, but somehow he's dating Gwyneth Paltrow

2. His homework ate the dog

1. You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand

Shark Attack

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.